


(it’s who you are.)

by kendrasaunders



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Post 1x09 Continuation, Some Len/Mick in here too! Good shit, We Fight We Break Up We Kiss We Make Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 11:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10463601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kendrasaunders/pseuds/kendrasaunders
Summary: for the prompt "i dont know how to make things right so ill pretend nothings wrong." post league of assassins sara tries to go back to normal with kendra- except she can't keep pretending that her feelings aren't anything but.





	

**Author's Note:**

> posted this on tumblr like a month ago and ao3 kept eating it so whoops! here it is <3   
> it's post 1x09 in show canon!

On the first day following their return to the Waverider, she wakes Kendra up with breakfast. Kendra opens the door and stares at her, blonde hair falling across her hopeful face. “Hungry?” she asks.

Kendra takes one look at the tray in Sara’s hands, and a step back from the open door. “I’m fine.”

“I um-” Sara says. “I made it for you, though.”

Kendra considers it. “You can put it on the desk,” Kendra says. “Next to the vase.”

There’s knickknacks from her time in the 50s- The ugly orange vase being one of them. The photo strip of her and Ray that feels like a kick in the gut. The jewelry. She looks for a ring and when she finds none, relief floods through her. “Here,” Sara says. “I remember you like english muffins and Rip, of course, has a full stash of them, and-”

Kendra’s still standing by the doorway, holding her fingers to her lips in thought.

Sara leaves the tray and approaches her. “Kendra?”

“That’s fine,” Kendra says. “I’ll eat. You can go.”

Sara feels that in her entire chest, spreading through her throat. “Oh.”

Kendra offers no reassurance.  

“I’ll-” Sara starts. “Do you want to train later? We-“

“No,” Kendra says, swiftly. “I mean. No, thank you.”

Sara nods, too many times in succession and too fast. “Okay. Sorry. Enjoy breakfast.”

Kendra turns away from her, moves to pretend to adjust something on the far dresser.

“Right,” Sara says. “Right.” The door swishes shut behind her, and she stands there a moment longer than she should.

(continue reading on ao3 or keep reading- [AO3 IS DOWN RIGHT NOW, THIS LINK WILL BE FIXED WHEN IT GETS ITS SHIT TOGETHER] )

 

For the next two days after, Kendra avoids her entirely. And Sara isn’t sulking around, or anything, but she does spy Kendra laughing with Jax in the cargo bay, grinning ear to ear.

“And Ray,” Kendra says, gesturing madly. “He’s so completely sure that he’s going to fix the pipe on his own, and he keeps complaining about the old building and I’m like Ray, technically this building is brand new, and that always got him so frustrated!”

“He burst the pipe, didn’t he,” Jax says. “Please tell me the pipe burst.”

“Oh, totally,” Kendra says. “And Ray is standing there trying to cover it with his hand, and he’s so embarrassed that I had to call the super.”

Jax laughs at that, Kendra smiling back, and Sara’s never felt so acutely hidden in the shadows.

“People thought you guys were like, married-married, right?” Jax says.

“Oh, yeah,” Kendra says. “It was hard, especially in Hub City, but I doubt we could’ve gotten a lease if we weren’t married. Actually-“ Kendra drums her fingers against her thigh. “Sara and Ray were the ones that got the lease. I don’t know what people said after she left but-“

“Couldn’t have been good,” Jax says.

“Fuck em though, you know?” Kendra says. “At this point, they’re probably all old and white and dead.”

Jax bursts into giggles. “That’s horrible!”

“No it isn’t!” Kendra says, shoving his arm. “It would be if you didn’t totally agree with me.”

“I mean, obviously,” Jax says. “I’m just wondering how much it must’ve pained Sara to pretend to be Ray’s wife.”

“Please,” Kendra says, and Sara catches just the hint of an edge in her voice. “Everything pains her. It’s just how she lives her life.”

Sara brings her hand to her throat, and says nothing. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t breathe.

“You uh-“ Jax rubs the back of his head. “That league fight was- Nasty. Do you want to talk about it?”

Kendra shrugs. “It’s over,” she says. “Oh my God, I have to tell you about the time-“  
  


Sara makes it to the bathroom before she can really gasp out a pained, strangled sort of noise. She stares in the mirror, and pulls up her shirt.

There’s bruises on her back where Kendra slammed her into the wall, and she wonders if that’s all she’s going to have left to remember her by. They’re teammates. They have to resolve this, they have to, because Savage is after her and they have to save Rip’s family and someone, someone has to tell Kendra that they can’t work as a team if she and Sara never speak-

But maybe no one else really cares.   
  


That night, she dreams of sharing a bed with Kendra, when the 3 of them had 2 queens and had pushed them together to make one big bed. And Kendra had sidled up to her, putting her hands on Sara’s hips. And she’d smiled and bumped her head against Sara’s, grinning, and Sara had wrapped her arms around Kendra’s waist.

She dreams of Kendra’s wings, bloodless and mighty, and the rage in Kendra’s eyes.

She dreams of Kendra turning away from her entirely. She dreams there is a wall between them, and when she tries to speak, no sound comes out.

That one is the worst of all.

  
  
  
“Okay, you miserable brat,” Len says, offering Sara a beer and taking the seat to her left. “Let’s talk about why this isn’t working.”

“Or we could drink in silence,” Sara says, taking the beer. She’s been dully poking at her cup of noodles for fifteen minutes, and the hunger just isn’t coming.

“It breaks my hearts,” Len says. “It really does. You’re like a bird with a broken wing.”

Sara sees a flash of her sword in Kendra’s wing, and shudders.

She takes a swig. “Can’t you mind your own business?”

“Doesn’t suit my interests,” he says.

“More like you’d rather talk to me than to Mick,” Sara remarks.

He’s unmoved by the comment, almost humored. “So what if I would?” he says. “See, it’s funny. You’re her Mick.”

“I’m not Mick,” Sara says. “Mick was- You should really talk to him. What they did to him-“

“And what about what they did to you?” Len asks.

“Completely different,” Sara says. “I mean- I know the League routine. I went back because I wanted a place to just- Turn off. It’s easy. Ra’s didn’t have to tell me to do it. I wanted to.”

“You know,” Len says. “You’re pretty lucky, I think. Kendra’s a lot more… forgiving. Than I am.”

“To Mick?” Sara says. “What did he do to you? He’s your-“

“He said he’d kill my baby sister,” Len says. “Over, and over again. And so as long as you never threatened any of Kendra’s loved ones-“

“I tried to kill her,” Sara says.

“And that’s the funniest thing,” Len says. “Because that, I can forgive. But Lisa?”

“You’re being obtuse,” Sara says. “You’re just afraid to face him.”

“Pot, kettle, et cetera,” Len says. “One of us should start.”

“You,” Sara says.

“See, I’m betting on you,” Len says. “And I never take bets I don’t win.”

Sara sighs into the beer bottle, making a small, whaling sound. “You’re an ass.”

“And you know,” Len says. “You didn’t even cost Kendra a hand.”

“Oh, give him a break,” Sara says.

Len ignores the comment.

They drink in silence.

  
  
  
On the fifth day, she half barges into Kendra’s room with a stave and the pounding migraine of someone who had too much beer last night. “Get up,” Sara says, tossing the stave in Kendra’s direction.

Kendra’s propped up on the bed, one leg crossed over the other. She doesn’t bother looking up from her book. “I’m good, thanks.”

“I said,” Sara says, striding across the threshold. “Get up.”

Kendra pulls her lips into a line, briefly shaking her head. “I’m sorry,” she says, folding in the sleeve of the book so not to loose her place. “What are you doing?”

“Training you,” Sara says. “You haven’t in two years, and you’re rusty.”

“I was good enough to knock you down,” Kendra remarks, with the sort of expression that makes Sara feel at once very, very small. “So.”

“Last I checked,” Sara says, picking up the spare stave. “I almost killed you.”

“You can’t,” Kendra says.

“What?” Sara says. “Are you like- I definitely beat you and-“

“Oh, sure,” Kendra says. “But I can’t die unless Vandal Savage kills me. That would’ve been fun for everyone to find out, right?”

“Did you-“ Sara says. “Who else knows?”

“Just me,” Kendra says. “And now you.”

“But-“ Sara points the stave as an accusation. “So then what the fuck is your problem? I couldn’t have killed you. You know I couldn’t have killed you, so-“

“Oh, I mean, I think if the intent had still been there, I’d have taken it pretty personally, yeah,” Kendra says. “But you would think it’s your League bullshit I was upset about.”

“Um, yeah I’d think that’s what you were upset about,” Sara says. “I pierced your wing!”

“You are so-“ Kendra lets out a huff through her teeth. “Can you just get out of my room, please? You’re exhausting me.”

“Oh, buck up,” Sara says. “This attitude doesn’t suit you, princess.”

That ticks Kendra enough to get her to stand up, tossing her book onto the bed. “Really?” Kendra says. “Because last I checked, you didn’t actually know me super well, and I guess that’s because I don’t know you super well, but you know what?” She’s standing too close for comfort, her pretty face contorted in unquiet rage. “I don’t want to.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Sara says. “Take it down a notch.”

“I’m dramatic?” Kendra says, taking another step forward. “You caught feelings and decided you had to leave the actual country.”

Sara swallows. “Oh.”

“You told me you _loved_ me,” Kendra says. “That I made you happy, that I made you _feel,_ and I guess that was enough for you to just bail, right?”

“Kendra,” Sara says, in a very little voice. “I-“

“And you know,” Kendra says. “It was easier for you to kill me than it was for you to be in love with me. That’s pretty indicative, don’t you think?”

“I didn’t-“ Sara blinks back the wetness in her eyes. “I didn’t want to kill you.”

“I don’t know what you want, Sara,” Kendra says. “And I don’t care. Get out of my room.”

“You,” Sara says. “I wanted you.”

“It’s really way too late for that,” Kendra says. “By at least two years.”

“Kendra,” Sara says.

“Leave,” Kendra says, more alight than Sara’s seen in days.

Sara takes both staves in one hand, gripping them tightly in her shaking hand. “I-“ She wipes her eyes with her free hand. “Right,” she says. “I’m going.”

  
  
  
“The good news is,” Sara says, sitting cross legged with her beer in one hand. “I’ve found the root of the problem.”

“And the bad news?” Len asks.

“One,” Sara says. “Mick is still in the cube.”

“Hey,” Mick says, raising his beer.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Len says, and Mick rolls his eyes in response. “What else?”

“The root is that I’m the worst person, ever, to have ever existed, I’m a monster, and I turned my back on Kendra at the worst possible time and now she hates me for it and that’s fair, you know? Because I am like actually history’s greatest monster.”

“First of all,” Mick says. “That’s me.”

“Oh, you just have to take all the glory,” Sara says.

“And second,” Len says, and Sara notes the small way he rests his hand on the cube’s glass surface. “How did you handle finding out this news?”

“I shut down and left,” Sara says.

“And is that what you did when-“ Len studies Sara’s face. “What? Did you tell her you loved her?”

“I mean-“ Sara gestures, making a slightly pained noise. “Maybe!”

“Yikes,” Mick says.

“Super yikes,” Len adds. “Did she say it back?”

Sara rolls her neck in silence, trying to find an expression that will absolve her of guilt. “Ma- Maybe?”

“Yes or no, Sara,” Len says.

“…Yes,” Sara says. “She said she loved me, too.”

“Okay,” Len says. “And you really thought it was the assassin thing that bothered her?”

“I was comfortable with pretending it was, yeah,” Sara says.

“Wow,” Mick says. “You’re as bad as Leonard.”

“I’m sorry, Michael,” Len says. “Did we suddenly switch to me as the topic? Do you want to let me know how you really feel?”

“Honestly, no,” Mick says. “I’d prefer to just glower at you some more.”

“Oh, that is classic you,” Len says.

“You know, it is kind of reassuring,” Sara says. “That you two are as messy as I am.”

“Excuse you,” Len says. “When Mick told me he loved me, I didn’t then go ‘Oh thank you, how sweet,’ and then vanish off the face of the earth.”

“That’s because you said it first,” Mick says.

“I absolutely didn’t,” Len says.

“You really did,” Mick replies.

“So what do I do?” Sara says. “Tell her I still love her? Beg for her forgiveness?”

“Have you said that you’re sorry?” Len asks. “Even once? Begging is… unseemly. Don’t beg. But perhaps… Just try telling her how much she’s hurting you, too.”

“And maybe she’ll listen,” Mick says. “And maybe she’ll be a complete ass about it and keep bringing up the same points over and over and over again, Leonard, and-“

“You want new points, Michael?” Len says. “I have new points.”

“Please,” Sara says. “Please resolve this. You guys love each other too much to keep doing this.”

“Pot, kettle, et cetera,” Mick says.

“Yeah,” Sara says. “That’s about what I’d expect you to say.”

She leaves them to talk amongst themselves.

  
  
  
On the seventh day, she finds Kendra in the gym, and calls that some kind of sign.

Kendra catches Sara’s eye and pauses, lowering her hands.

“No, it’s-“ Sara crosses her arms over herself. “Don’t go.”

Kendra nods, carefully, keeping herself composed. She takes another whack at the bag. “Hold it for me?”

Sara tries not to leap across the room. Tries to keep her grip steady. “About the other day-“

“I was-“ Punch. “Really harsh. I could’ve- Kept my temper better. I’m sorry I was so mean to you.”

“But did you mean it?” Sara says. “What you said?”

“Yeah,“ Kendra says. “Doesn’t make it okay to lash out like that, though.”

“No, it’s-“ Sara shifts her footing. “If it’s how you felt. You should say it.”

Kendra doesn’t reply. She just hits the bag several times in quick succession, the force of it sliding Sara across the floor.

“You were wrong about something, though,” Sara says. “About me.”

“Yeah,” Kendra says. “I figured.”

“Not like that,” Sara says. “I mean, about me now. I don’t- I’m sorry. If I made you think that I’m. Shut off or insipid or emotionless. If I actively seek out ways to shut myself out. I- Maybe I do. I think I did, anyway. But it- It hurt a lot to hear you say that, is all.”

Kendra pauses. “I didn’t say that to you.”

“You said it to-“ Sara takes a step back from the bag. “I don’t do things because they pain me. I do them because I’m scared. I don’t want to feel pain to feel alive or something I just- I don’t want to feel. I didn’t.”

“I-“ Kendra stands there, arms swaying at her sides. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Sara nibbles on her lower lip. “Do you have any idea?” Sara asks. “How you affect me?”

“Please don’t start,” Kendra says. “I-“

“No,” Sara says. “What I mean is- There’s no way to be just… just a little in love with you. There’s no way to only kind of have a crush on you. When I’m around you, I can’t think. I say- I do stupid things because I’m like, kind of obsessed with you, I think? I’m sorry. That sounds- That sounds like too much, I don’t know, maybe it is. And I’m- I’m such a piece of shit, Kendra. I’m not even saying that in a funny way. I am genuinely a terrible person. You already had Ray fawning over you. I figured having me around would just make you miserable eventually. That you didn’t need both of us.”

“Sara,” Kendra says, and for the first time in ages, Sara feels a hint of softness in Kendra’s tone.

“I’m sorry,” Sara says. “I’m sorry I hurt you to avoid hurting you, I’m sorry that I know in my heart that I’m not good enough to love you. I’m sorry it’s so easy for me to shut off. I’m sorry I tried to kill you, for fuck’s sake. I’m sorry I somehow tricked you into loving me back. That wasn’t fair, and it would’ve been easier on all of us if- If I’d never pretended I could be with you, you know? If I hadn’t humored it. Because I broke your heart but that’s what I do, Kendra! That’s all I do to people. So like, at least we got it over with. And I came back expecting to be your friend because I thought you’d just get over me, like I’d be nothing to you, I didn’t realize you’d care so much, I didn’t want you to, and-“

Kendra wraps her arms around Sara’s shoulders, pulling her against her chest. She’s trembling, Sara realizes. Crying softly against Sara’s shoulder. “Please don’t leave me again,” Kendra says, “Oh fuck, Sara. Please don’t- I’m sorry. I’ m sorry I was so mean to you, I _loved_ you, I-“

Sara lets out a choked, pent-out sob, tightly embracing Kendra’s waist. “Please don’t hate me,” Sara whispers. “You don’t have to love me but please talk to me, just be around me, please-“

“I love you,” Kendra says. “I do. I’m sorry. I didn’t stop. I wanted to stop because it hurt so bad and I couldn’t, and it just kept building and building and seeing you like that, I thought it meant nothing and I- It just made it so much worse and I wasn’t thinking I was so selfish-“

“No,” Sara says. “Not ever. I was being selfish, I was so selfish and scared and cowardly and-“

“I should’ve noticed,” Kendra says. “I should’ve tried harder to make you stay.”

Sara shakes her head, burying herself in the crook of Kendra’s neck. “I shouldn’t have thought leaving was my best option.”

Kendra strokes her back, rubbing soft circles against her spine. “I’m scared,” Kendra says. “I don’t want you to leave again.”

“You couldn’t pay me to leave you,” Sara says. “You’re the one with wings, anyway. What if you finally get how awful I am and fly away?”

Kendra nuzzles her head against Sara’s head. “I’d never fly away from you,” Kendra says. “I won’t.”

Sara tilts her head back, thinking it’s really kind of unfair for Kendra to be such a soft, pretty crier. “Can I kiss you?”

Kendra breaks into a sort of unabashed grin, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Please,” she says. “Please kiss me, Sara.”

“It’s been a while,” Sara says. “I might need to relearn.”

Kendra kisses her anyway.

  
  
  
On the eighth day, Kendra lets out a lazy little sigh as Sara runs her hand through her hair.

“Should we train?” Kendra asks, falling into Sara’s touch.

Sara’s silent for a moment, content to watch Kendra’s chest right and fall. She takes in her parted lips, her dark lashes, the veins under her eyes. “Eh,” she says, finally. “Maybe later.”

“Mn,” Kendra says, sliding her hand against Sara’s thigh. “Fine by me.”

–

end.


End file.
